Perhaps I should stop meandering around the topic and get down to discussing "Couples Retreat." After all, that’s why we’re here. Right?

The story: This is the tale of four couples. They live somewhere in that vague mid-western area of the country Hollywood refers to as "fly-over country." Don’t worry, the filmmakers here would never risk boring you by making a film about something as dreary as the place where most of you live. They know better than that.

Since Eden supposedly has an incredibly long waiting list of desperate couples, and since the package gives each couple the same benefits a single couple would receive, the bad writing is already starting to show. It continues. Promised nothing but jet skis, dancing and never-ending fun, the octet arrives to discover that they have signed up for only a smidgen of fun each day, preceded by endless and often silly counseling sessions. Did the first couple lie to the others, or did Eden lie to them all? This is never explained, and this is only the beginning.

I could go on picking at nits, but essentially, that’s the problem in a nutshell. There is nothing clever or unexpected in this movie. When you don’t have a very funny movie on your hands as a creator, your job is to do one of two things. You either have to provide the audience with at least one really tremendous belly-laugh, or one perfectly poignant moment that leaves everyone in tears. In other words, you have to send people out of the theater with the memory of that moment of cleansing laughter, or heart-wrenching warmth.  As you might guess, this film has neither.

Now, I’m not saying this movie is bad. It’s just ordinary. It simply never builds up any steam, and it should have been able to do so. It certainly has a competent cast. The line-up includes Vince Vaughn, Jason Bateman, Jon Favreau, Malin Akerman, Kristin Davis, Kristen Bell, Faizon Love, and one of my all-time favorites, the stupendous Jean Reno. This is not a terrible bunch. But, actors still need something to work with, and these folks were not handed much in the way of tools.

The reason this one is so hard for me to get a handle on is because it’s one of those films where you think that any second it’s going to get good. It seems such a perfect set-up that, well, the jokes are going to start any minute now ... any minute ...  But, they don’t. In fact, instead of delivering any true warmth or comedy, all too often the film slides into the cheapest of gutter humor. The language is clean, but the insinuations are fairly crude. Couple that with writing that goes down one faulty path after another, lackluster scenes that don’t weave one into another, and at least two couples you simply will not be able to believe could possibly stay with each other, and what you have is a film that might be worth leaving on if you come across it while looking for something to play in the background while you fold clothes or knit, or whatever--at best.

Despite its massive effort to be up-to-date with its references to Twitter and Guitar Hero and the such, this is simply an average film, an episode of a sit-com, and not one of the better ones, either. In fact, if it’s a choice between a repeat of "The Big Bang Theory" or this ... stick with CBS, Mondays at 9:30.

Our final word: 2 stars out of 5.

 "St. Trinian’s" is the United Kingdom’s third highest grossing independent film of all time. There’s a reason for that. This is, simply put, one of the funniest movies ever made. Just imagine taking the best things about "The Facts of Life," "Hogan’s Heroes" and "Monty Python’s Flying Circus," and you have a beginning of an idea of what this incredibly inventive film is all about.

 The Story: The film starts with a sad scene. A young girl is being left at a new school, St. Trinian’s, a once revered institution of higher learning, now not quite so reputable as in the past. Her father is related to the headmistress Camilla Fritton (Rupert Everett), and he is dumping his little girl in what, even in the opening minutes of the film, looks to be a school comprised of equal parts death trap and insane asylum. The girl is utterly horrified, and she has good reason to be. Her fellow classmates appear to be not only armed but homicidal. They are split into various extreme groups--Goths, geeks, beauty queens, commandos--none of which appear anything but hostile. The faculty is comprised of dysfunctional lunatics and their curriculum is the stuff of madness.

 This is when the comedy kicks into high-gear. Everett is funny enough in the opening of the film playing both the father of the young girl being abandoned at St. Trinian’s as well as the school’s headmistress. But, when Everett is then revealed to be the old flame of Firth, jaws begin to drop and laughter ensues.
 Both actors do a simply marvelous job. It is impossible to give either man higher marks. Everett is incredibly spot-on as the grand dame of British education. His performance is so delightfully over-the-top eventually one begins to chuckle as soon as he comes into camera range. But, equal credit must be given to Firth. His seems the easier job, of course, to simply play a man in love with a woman. But, while watching him stare longingly into Everett’s eyes, one is forced to wonder how he could possibly do so without cracking up, ala the old Harvey Korman/Tim Conway days.  More problems: Not only is the ministry trying to shut them down, but the bank is holding notes totally a half million pounds. The school has four months to come up with the money, or the doors will be barred. The two-pronged attack allows for great merriment, as the headmistress works to keep the ministry off-balance while the girls run through a laundry list of crooked schemes to save their school.

 This is an amazingly inventive film on a number of levels. First, the story-telling is crisp and clean. There is no wasted time what-so-ever. The actors, from the lead stars down to the youngest girls are all perfect for their roles. Second: the humor is dry and relentless. As usual, what would seem the perfect set-up for endless naughty jokes to Hollywood is used far more in the manner of a teen comedy such as "Mean Girls." The older students might be wearing a lot of sexy school girl costumes, but there is nothing of the vulgar going on on screen.   The editing is especially noteworthy in this one as well. Indeed, coupled with a highly intelligent soundtrack, every time a song begins the film almost turns into a rock video. This is a you-can’t -take-your-eyes -off- the-screen-for-a-second kind of film. Fast-paced, stylish to the max, wickedly funny and intelligently told, it has the chance to be the surprise hit of the year. And, since the sequel to it is already in the works, it just might be the surprise hit of next year as well.
 Our final word: 5 stars out of 5

 Now it has been remade and updated to the present time and simply called, “ST. TRINIAN’S.” In the dual role is Rupert Everett with Colin Firth as the Minister of Education who wants to close down this worst school in all of Britain.
 Pranks, a wacky field hockey game, a TV quiz show, and the theft of a renowned painting highlight the shenanigans in this wild movie. It’s brought to light that the bank will foreclose on the school and the property in four weeks unless the money owed the bank is paid. To save the school falls on the shoulders of the oddly eccentric headmistress, Miss Camilla Fritton, and the girls at this dysfunctional school. And really ingenious schemes are thought up in order to do this.

 Modern music and updated technology that the girls use are utilized in this production, and these females are all whizzes at technology. It’s sort of a “Mission Impossible” endeavor with actual references to Tom Cruise and his first film in that particular series.  A rather large and mostly recognizable cast does quite well putting forth the fun. Direction is by Oliver Parker and Barnaby Thompson.   There’s a great deal that hits the mark in hilarity, while at other times misses by a great deal. I understand this film’s sequel, “THE LEGEND OF FRITTON’S GOLD” is currently in pre-production. “ST. TRINIAN’S” is the UKs third highest grossing independent film, according to press notes. I’ll admit, it’s good for numerous laughs in its machinations, but do yourselves a favor and get the four DVD set of the original films - treasures of British cinema not to be overlooked.

 A romance begins with this David (Peter Sarsgaard) as he manages to take her to concerts, jazz clubs, restaurants, and out of the hum-drum existence of life which she’s been leading. It’s an entirely new awakening for her. Even her parents (Alfred Molina and Cara Seymour) are so charmed and taken by his demeanor that they even permit her to travel with him to Paris on a weekend, accompanied by his “Aunt Helen,” a person who really doesn’t exist but is in reality the paramour (Rosamund Pike) of his best friend and compatriot Danny (Dominic Cooper).

 Disappointed that this young girl will simply throw away her gifts for that certain chance of higher education are her prep school English teacher Miss Stubbs (Olivia Williams) and the school’s headmistress (Emma Thompson). This also factors into what will eventually be the path for Jenny to pursue. We question whether David will be the making of Jenny or her undoing. Innocence and the loss of innocence is what this tale is all about.

 “AN EDUCATION” won the American Choice Award and the Cinematography Award at the 2009 Sundance Film Festival. It is a good “meaty” film, a throwback to a time gone by, giving much food for thought and showing how individuals reacted back then; a wonderful moral tale of making something of yourself. Life may deal you the severest of blows but you can pick yourself up and succeed.